I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
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“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.