Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
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My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.