GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
You Might Also Like
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Not all heroes wear capes.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Perfect.