Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.