I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
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One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll