I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
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[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
yall want some gasoline milk
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger