[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
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See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
The dark side of Canada
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.