Need this in my life lol
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
They’re stuck in your pants?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Twitter fine art
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”