If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
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Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
This is me
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon