Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
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Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
u spoke cat all this time??????
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Every haunted house movie:
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-