me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*