*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”