If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.