japanese corn
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Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Catering service
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland