Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
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7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
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Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
so, is there a mister shapen head
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.