If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
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a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?