Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
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Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
who will stop them
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?