How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
channeling her this year
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water