I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
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Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Posting this on behalf of a friend
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Thrilling chase underway
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!