She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
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“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.