all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
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If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
*looks at you in batman voice*
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”