Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
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Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*