asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.