There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
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Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
This one’s “Alex”.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid