#JohnTravolta
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Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…