“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?