watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
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Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.