How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
You wish you had this many chins.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.