Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
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1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell