Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…