Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
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The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile