Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
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Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.