I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
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doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.