Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
You Might Also Like
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?