The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
i smell a pulitzer
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.