He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
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Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.