ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
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Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Just a bush.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I need better friends
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians