I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
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Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.