The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
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[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Wait a minute
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die