[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
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I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Incredible customer service.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*