on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
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My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers