Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
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If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.