My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
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Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
😂💯
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
I would move hell over six inches for you
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]