Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
You Might Also Like
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?