I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Haha good job!!
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.