going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
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I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
🚲+physics = winner
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.