Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
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Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
so i’m at the stock market right
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
lmfao come on
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow