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BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
get you a girl who
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or