If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
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i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you