Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.